I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
