you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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