i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
