DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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