sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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