dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
