I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
