the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
