It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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