I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
