why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
