my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
