My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
