I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
