my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
