1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
