The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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