Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
