I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
