i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
