Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
