I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
