her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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