Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
