Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize