I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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