you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
