So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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