I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
