i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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