True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
