he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
