My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize