Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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