I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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