I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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