just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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