I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
worst night to have a conscience
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
