I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
