i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
