Ketchup is God's man juice
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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