I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
