I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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