your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
