They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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