Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
