I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
