Plan B is the new Plan A
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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