He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
