Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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