Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
