did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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