I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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