if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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