I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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