I cannot find my penis.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
