I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
