I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
