that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
