Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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