i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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